I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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