i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
