also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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