hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
