I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
