I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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