I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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