wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
