Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
