Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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