sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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