i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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