This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
