Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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