Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
