He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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