Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize