I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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