We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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