Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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