When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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