Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
