No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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