It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
