So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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