Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
