proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
