Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
