Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
