I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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