he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
