I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
