just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
