Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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