I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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