Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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