the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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