You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
