you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
