My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
