Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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