theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
