You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
