i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
