All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
