After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize