don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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