My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
