half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I don't want my vagina anymore.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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