if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
