fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Randomize
