I could make wine with my vomit
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
