Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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