just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
