Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
