two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
