I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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