My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
