Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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